I’ve been trying for days to write up my thoughts on the article. But it isn’t easy to even pull my thoughts into cohesion, let alone find a way to express them publicly. This is the first major magazine to publish an interview with Michael, and it is painfully raw and honest. It is hard to read and impossible to forget.
(First, a disclosure: the writer of the article interviewed me for background prior to talking to Michael back in April. The only contribution from me that made the final cut was that I suggested a question about how he would handle a choppers-off-the-embassy-roof exit from Iraq.)
Getting further detail about some incidents we know about (Fallujah, Haifa Street) and a major one we’ve not heard before (Diyala) is always a good thing. Recounting these can’t possibly be easy for anyone who has lived through them, but it is as close as most of us will ever get to having the tiniest glimmer of a faint idea of what it was like to be there. So it is important to us and for us… and if Michael ever rents out that theater to show the Fallujah footage, I will be there. I won’t walk out understanding what they went through, but I believe that every inch closer to understanding that we can get is a vital one.
I wish CNN had had the guts to show the Diyala footage, although I can’t begin to imagine how insane the neocons would have gone. Considering the hate mail sent to Michael via my site over the McCain non-incident earlier that month, torches and pitchforks would not have been out of the question. (I wonder whether Hachette Australia would consider including a DVD with Michael’s book with some of his video footage? I don’t think that’s ever been done before, but if ever a subject warranted it…)
But most important about these three incidents is that they illuminate everything else in the article. Anyone think after reading those that Michael didn’t earn every damned beer he could pour down his throat that afternoon in Amsterdam? I didn’t think so. And quite honestly, I am vastly relieved that he wasn’t drinking equal amounts of whiskey!
We have heard some of the quotes from him before. Certainly his views on Iran, and the quote about how we owe it to the troops to pay attention to the news about the war (misapplied to sound like he was speaking about the Fallujah footage). We all know the truth of both of those. One thing Michael is, is brutally honest, and he applies the same standard when talking about himself and how the war has changed him.
I don’t think any of us would expect him to be the same guy who practiced law in Brisbane back in the day. Honestly, after what he’s seen (the vast majority of which we have no clue about) I am just grateful that he has any humanity left at all. Even though that humanity is what makes him bleed inside. That he was able to step back from the precipice is a blessing beyond measure. I truly was not sure he’d be able to. But stepping back from it doesn’t mean letting go of it, and that darkness is something he will have to continue to find a way to live with for the rest of his life. It’s what makes him a good war correspondent … and in my opinion, it is far too high a price to pay, just as it is for the troops who serve our country.
It isn’t surprising that he finds the rawness of war, that ability to strip away everything that isn’t Self, refreshing. We all get sick of the artifice we put on every day in order to act as our workSelves and our schoolSelves and all the other people we play in society. And I don’t think it is any great flash of insight on my part to say that Michael would seem to be someone with a very, very low tolerance for BS. Some people bungee jump or do extreme sports to find that core within them; he would find pointless risk silly. (And just to be clear: rugby is not pointless.) But to be that real, that self-aware when it matters? When every choice is an important one, and the guys next to you are risking even more than you are? That would resonate with a man like him.
And no, you can’t discuss that with people who don’t know. Any cop or firefighter will say the same. Nor do they want it touching the people they love, even though the bleeding can’t be quelled. (And I doubt very much that he was oblivious to Lorena at all; I would bet that they have had this discussion many times. And because of the nature of the work that she does, she comes closer to understanding it than most of us mere civilians.)
(Another disclosure: when I met Michael back in April, I met Lorena as well. Although he did not ask for the favor, I chose not to invade their privacy by talking about her here. But I am so very grateful that he has her in his life right now.)
But the rawness of his guilt over pulling back even slightly from covering the war… that is just heartbreaking. I understand why he feels that way; I would hope that in his place, I would feel just as guilty, even as friends and family and colleagues assured me that I had done more than my share. Which he certainly has — if he walked away from all of it tomorrow, who could blame him? Who could dare to say he hasn’t done enough, wasn’t the voice crying in the wilderness long before most of us had a freaking clue of the realities on the ground?
A couple other minor things: I’ve already mentioned the McCain mess; I don’t think it should be raised so casually without it being explicitly stated that the whole thing was a lie. I am also fairly sure that to say he is an Iraqi citizen (as opposed to resident) is just poor wording; I just can’t believe that the TSA would let him travel in and out of this country so frequently if that was a literal fact, and if it was metaphorical, it needed work. And someone please call David Bellavia and mention that Michael was in Fallujah with the Marines, because it damn sure would be news to him.
Also, any reporter who has been in a warzone has a terrible time sustaining relationships — if you want a list, it will take a few weeks just to type it up! I know it’s a shock, but apparently the threat of imminent death really kicks up that whole biological need to procreate (modern prophylactics notwithstanding.)
And finally … anyone who wants to pass judgement about “erratic behavior” clearly hasn’t understood a fucking word Michael said.